The experts tell you that there are a lot of benefits to losing weight.
It’s better for your heart. It’s better for your joints. It’s better for your feet.
And on and on and healthy on.
But sometimes they forget the most important benefit of all.
Here are all the amazing things that have happened to me since I lost weight.
I’ve zipped up boots up to my knees.
I’ve buttoned a shirt right up the front.
I’ve worn jeans that didn’t stretch.
AND I BOUGHT DRESSES ABOVE MY KNEES.
Life. Changing. Events.
But if you’ve met me for more than five minutes, you know that with every step forward? Sometimes (on super rare occasions) I take two steps back.
….when this happened.
(total aside: one day I will get braver and not hold a pillow in front of my tummy.)
A couple of days ago warm decided to show up in Texas.
It was a beautiful day with sunshine and birds and floating clouds and dancing sunbeams and temperatures that started with a 6.
I looked at my closet and decided it was a beautiful day to wear a spring dress that has been sitting in my closet waiting for a day like this. It’s the most beautiful dress, y’all. It’s blue with a drawstring waist and the prettiest details and a little ruffle to the hem and it comes just above my knees.
I took it out and put it on and fluffed my hair and added flower earrings and the prettiest flats and went to look in the mirror.
YIKES TO THE YIKES.
What was that? What was that bright blinding white light bouncing off the mirror?
Oh. Wait. That was me.
Those were my legs.
So what is a girl with the prettiest spring dress and blinding white legs to do?
Hello Captain Obvious. I live in Texas. The land of the big hair and the false eyelashes and the Aqua Net.
We never met a white leg that wasn’t fixed with a little self-tanner.
Now just between us?
I haven’t self-tanned since The Wiggles were on television.
But I’m a Texas girl. I knew I had a bottle of self-tanner somewhere in the bottom of a drawer right behind a tube of lip gloss and a bottle of Sun-in—all leftover from my glory days with mom’s club at the pool.
I found it and dug it out and put it on.
If you’ve ever used a self-tanner, you know the key is the waiting.
It doesn’t look dark at first. Your legs look white and then something and amazing happens and a couple of hours later a tan shows up.
I worked for a while.
I drank water.
I distracted myself with Judge Judy and the new season of American Idol auditions.
After two hours I looked down to SEE NOT A SPECK OF TAN ON MY LEGS?
What was happening? Where was the glorious tan? Where was summer in a bottle?
I applied more.
Still absolutely positively nothing.
I figured it was an old bottle. All the tan probably left around 2015.
I shrugged my shoulders and put on jeans instead of my dress and thought that was the end of it.
Until I woke up yesterday morning and looked in the mirror.
I WAS ORANGE.
And the worst part?
I was way, way, WAY more oranger on one side than the other. It’s as if all the tanner went to one side of the bottle and showed up on my left arm and my left leg and my left eyebrow.
I know you thought this was probably part of the story where I showed you a picture?
All you get is a foot.
The moral of the story?
Losing weight is good.
Drinking water is good.
Watching American Idol is good.
Putting on self-tanner that has been around since the beginning of time?
Don’t even think about it. 🙂
PS I’ve been scrubbing and loofahing and now? I’m somewhere between Orange and Sienna.
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